God is more amazing than I can imagine. Its not a hyperbole, its literal.
This past month has been incredibly rough on me. Hardest month I’ve had in a long time, lasting all the way until tonight. But I look back at this month and I’m just ashamed at myself and awed at God.
I’m ashamed of myself. I can’t believe how I’ve acted this past month, considering everything I’ve been given. I have the best friends in the world: friends who will equally support me and tell me I’m an idiot, encourage me and smack me. Great friends will tell you things you don’t want to hear and my friends definitely fit that bill. Yet they tell me exactly what I need to hear and encourage me and support me. I look at these friends and family and I just think that I’m so undeserving. Why did God place such amazing people in my life? It is certainly not because of anything I’ve done. And that is just scratching the surface.
God has given me an undeserving, unfaltering, all-encompassing love, He has saved me from myself, my sin nature. He has promised me eternal life and peace and communion with the Holy Father. He has promised me salvation. He has rescued me. He has lifted me up out of the dirt and proclaimed me to be the Son of The King.
And I spit in His face. The second I don’t get my way, I turn into a groveling child and thrash out at Him like He’s an abusive step-father. I have SO much, but when I miss out on a relationship, don’t have money for things I want, get a worse grade than I wanted, I demand He fix it. I demand He give me everything I want and when He doesn’t, because He knows and wants whats best for me, I yell and rage in His face.
Yet He sits there, calmly, generously smiling, waiting to wrap me in the safety of His arms when my temper-tantrum is over. And He promises me prosperity, peace, love, and acceptance beyond anything my Earthly mind can contain.
The knowledge of how undeserving I am and how relentlessly He loves me is seriously breaking me down. I have to crawl on my knees to the foot of His throne. The best I should be able to hope for is that it doesn’t hurt too bad when He kicks me out of His presence. That is what all of my actions deserve. What will happen is He will reach down, wrap me up, and place me in a seat of honor at His family’s diner table.
God is so good.