If you’re expecting this post to have a point, a reason, or even a rhyme then you’re wasting your time (Boom! Rhyme: check). This is just me thinking out loud, or at least as close to out loud as a blogger can get.
Flash back to last summer. Or actually, the end of the semester, before I went home. I dreaded it. I loved being at my school. I loved my friends. I didn’t want to leave for a whole summer and willfully submit myself to the tyranny of my parents.
Now flash forward to the end of summer. I dreaded coming back to school. I loved being home. I loved having virtually no responsibilities. Home cooked meals. My best friends. But most importantly I met a girl.
This girl was awesome, still is. I had a list of what I was looking for in a girl. Nothing too extreme, just simple things. But everyone of them was crucial. She was a dead-ringer for every single one. I’ve never found that before. I’ve found people who come close, but never someone who meets, perfectly, every criteria.
After much persuasion from certain friends, I told said girl that I had feelings for her. Literally the night before I left home for college. I couldn’t imagine moving 5 hours away not knowing the answer. Not knowing what I could be missing. I hated living with so many “what ifs.” So I gave this “going out on a limb” thing a whirl.
She said she liked me too. That weekend she broke up with her boyfriend and said she just needed some time to get over it. Great. I’ve waited 18 years, I can wait several more months. Besides, she was worth it. In September I went home for her birthday. We hung out the entire weekend and I asked if she was ready. She said she needed more time. Instantly warning lights went off, but I said it was still fine. It still was.
Slowly the texts came less and less. The phone calls stopped entirely. The sweet, cheesy phrases ended. The “I miss yous” and “you should visits” became nonexistent. I knew something was up. She still insisted she just needed more time. I didn’t believe her, but whatever. I didn’t want to screw this up, but it was eating me alive.
This week I finally got my answer. Something snapped. I don’t know what, probably never will, but the summer fling is over. I know it ended that weekend I went home. I don’t know what she saw in me, or didn’t see in me, that changed her mind. I never will. She gave me a reason, but, like the past few, I don’t believe its real.
I guess my point in writing this is to try and discover why I’m not sadder. Why I don’t seem to mind. I kind of feel relieved. I guess its because I knew along that it was dying. I was torn up with that knowledge, but now that she has admitted that it has died, I just feel relieved. Its out in the open. We’re both on the same page. No lies. No secrets. No hooks. Just moving on. Closure.
That’s what this comes down to. I never have closure. Its nice to finally know all the what ifs. I tried it. The “What if I told her my feelings?” Turned into a “Ok, I did, I know how it turns out.” Even if its not the ending I wanted, it feels nice to have an ending.
She is still a great girl, and I’m sure she’ll make some guy really happy in the future. Its clear we both have some growing up to do. Who knows? Maybe I was a learning experience for her. Maybe she was one for me. Either way, I know she’s happy with her life. I want her to be. Really, our paths weren’t linked and I can see that now.
Despite all of the disappointments of this week (one involving Hilary Duff, but that’s another story) I can’t stop smiling. She was constantly tying me to dreams of home. Now shes gone. I can realize the amazing life I have here. The awesome friends. The great education opportunity. The people who care about me. I have a great life. And now I recognize it.