Its 4 AM and my brain will not shut up long enough for me to sleep. I just keep thinking. About her, about it, about the past, about the future, about the maybe’s and what could’ve been’s.
Have you ever met someone that just seems perfect for you? And you allow yourself to hope again, but then things just stop happening and you have no idea why. I wish I knew why. And then after it stops, you’re left with only maybes. I hate maybes. The word just rings of false hope, tells the tale of things that might be, but never will be. I can’t stand another what if. I can’t stand thinking I know, but always being wrong.
I wish we could’ve tried, because I know it would have been exactly what both of us needed. I don’t think I’ve ever had such a quick and honest connection with someone. Maybe that’s my problem, though, and not a good sign for her. Maybe that’s me afraid to actually let someone in or get close to anyone. But I don’t know if that’s true. It only took her a few days for me to feel close, so maybe I’m just afraid of most people and not everyone. I wonder if she ever felt that way. I think she did. I thought she did. I don’t know. I don’t really know much about anything anymore. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Everything in me tells me to keep trying, because I know this make-beleive future I sense could be something worth fighting for, but everything in my brain is telling me not to. Its telling me I’m not good enough and no battle will make me good enough. Its saying that I could lasso the moon for her, to borrow form Its a Wonderful Life, and I still wouldn’t be good enough. But then I think about her. And I think about the maybes. I think about the possibility, of a promise, of a happiness. And I can’t help feeling like I should do something. I just don’t know what and I probably won’t. Because I convince myself that nothing I do could be worthy of her attention, nothing I do would ever make a difference.
And I have a point. She does deserve better than me. Easily. And I hope she finds it, I really do. I hope she finds someone who actually deserves her, because it wasn’t me. I could not offer her anything worth her settling for me. I could only offer to try hard every day to make up for everything I lack, everything I fail at and that just isn’t enough. Its not enough to just fight to overcome your shortcomings, for a girl like her you have to not have shortcomings. I hope she finds a guy who treats her how she deserves, who respects and admires her. I hope the lucky bastard she eventually ends up with understands what he has and works nonstop to ensure her happiness, regardless of his.
I tried, though, and I can’t fault myself for that. Its more than I normally do. Normally I hit this stage of “Don’t bother. She’s too good for you. You’re not even worth the time it takes to reject you.” before I even try. At least this time it happened after I tired, so progress?
As the title says, maybe I shouldn’t write this. Maybe its all too much. Maybe its a lot for a girl I didn’t know for years. Maybe I should just keep to myself. Maybe its just pathetic and sad.
I don’t know. Maybe I should stop treating this blog as my personal journal, but why shouldn’t I? Its my blog. Shouldn’t I post about anything that makes me feel better? And talking to myself in the presence of strangers who may or may not pay attention is the best therapy I can have. Plus I promised myself that I would share all of my life with anyone who would bother to listen.
I am an open book. I don’t really have secrets. Nothing about me is really personal, I’ve just stopped caring about keeping myself private. I don’t know why or when, but it happened. So I guess I’ll continue to keep sharing my life, even (or maybe especially) the parts I don’t like.